Feeling
by elonia
Summary: A girl met the god of mischief just before he died, and she's not feeling well since. Until someday, he comes back to her. First oneshot in english ;)


**Hey guys !**

**Well, it's my first fiction in english !**

**I don't know why, I got up at 1 a.m with the need of writing. Then I put some music on (this one on youtube : /TwXilp2mUtE), and I wrote my first english fic.**

**Well, that's also my first depressive fic in fact ! lol**

**So, I was wondering if my english wasn't that bad, so if you guys could give me your opinion, It'll be so nice of you.**

**It's a Loki x OC even if I never said his name in this text. I thought it'd be a challenge but it's so much more easier than in french ! I really feel more at ease talking and writing in english, but I don't really know if my level is ok so...**

**Here we are ! :)**

Feeling

Jane and Esther had been waiting for what seemed like months. Thor went back to Asgard, and didn't come again, nor did he send news by the bifrost. Not that Esther really cares, but Jane was so deeply in love it seemed, that she was litteraly sick when her lover wasn't near.

Esther was absentmindly looking by the window while Jane was working on her machinas. That wasn't interesting her either. Lately, she didn't really care about anything, as if her life was just passing by in front of her eyes. She hadn't really sleep nor did she eat. Jane was so worried about her, but nothing could help, she was helplessly falling, destroying herself. Her friend was trying to cheer her up, to confort her, but it was meant to a fail. She just couldn't stop to think about him.

That day in the so called Svartalfheim planet, she didn't think she would be so impacted by his death. She didn't think that his gaze had so much importance to her. That, despite of his harch word, she would grew some attachment to him. She couldn't understand why. She just saw him that once. And there was nothing that could lead her to actualy love him. But that was it. He had trapped her just before he died. So selfish.

It was a snowy day. The sky was grey, and the ground was covered of a perfect white carpet. Nobody was outside because of the temperature, but it was ok for her. She liked it when it was calm and desert. She was feeling a little more at peace.

That day, she vaguely heard Jane creaming about one of her screens, about some energy variation. She didn't really try to understand when she saw her rushing outside the house, taking the time to put on some scarf, some boots and a heavy coat. Esther saw a jolt of light scratching the sky, and she understood that Thor came back.

Silently, without hurry, she walked outside too. She didn't bother to put something on her feet or on her shoulders, walking bare foot in the snow, enjoying the feeling of the frost biting her skin, runing between her toes. She was just looking at the floor, glancing at the prints Jane had left. From afare, She heard her screaming of joy and the strong voice of the blond god answered her with love.

She was kind of pained, but she didn't hate her for beeing happy. She was just an empty shell, walking around. She didn't want to come closer, so she just decided to sit down on a trunk, playing with the snow with the end of her foot, waiting for them to come to her.

She heared footsteps, but didn't bother to lift her head. It's only when black shoes stopped in front of her that she slowly raised her eyes.

There he was.

Standing in the snow, in front of her, was the dead man that was haunting her thoughts. She took her time to move, precautionnously getting up, as if he would run away if she didn't. She didn't move further, she was just staring at him. It was impossible, she had seen him dead. Knowing that, she just sigh, feeling that the lack of food and of sleep was eventually playing tricks to her mind. Maybe it was the end. She felt a glint of hope when she thought that, maybe, he really was coming to take her away. Maybe, in death she could finaly know if he felt the same.

She forced a sad smile on her face, and a single tear ran down her cheek. She thought bitterly, that she could at least tell him what she wanted so much to say. Even if it was not real. Even if he wasn't here with her. Even if she was already dead.

He wasn't saying anything, observing her with a mix of pain, sorrow and guilty in his eyes. For sure, that wasn't what she used to see in those emerald eyes. It couldn't be real.

But nonetheless, her smile enlarged and she made a step. Just enough to be able to touch him.

Even if she was afraid to see him disappear, she couldn't resist the urge to touch his face. Just to be sure.

Slowly, she raised a hand, and put it on his cheek. She was vaguely surprise to feel the skin beneath her fingers, but she didn't question it, and affectionnatly ran her skin over his, like a feather caress. As if he could shatter.

\- I'm just a mortal midgardian, a silly little girl.

That was how he called her when they had an argue, reminding her that she was so inferior to him, that she had no right to talk to him even less to be close to him. She saw the pain running inside of his eyes, but he still remained silent.

She had a little laught. Not a bitter one, just an affective one, as if she was remembering a good memory. One she had when he was still alive.

\- You were right, you know. Look at me. I'm so small in comparation of your godly eternity. So ingsinificant, so stupidly useless for the universe. My life, is a mere blink of an eye for you. Just born to die, without return.

Her voice was just a whisper, but she didn't seem in pain or upset by what she was saying. She was just exposing factual things. She paused and took the time to explore his face with a fingers, an adoration smile on her lips. She slided them on his eyebrow, on his nose, on his chin, to put it again on his cheek with all the flat of her hand this time.

\- But you see, my dear god, it's because i'm dying right now, that I'm way aware of my life. Much more aware than you will ever be. I know since the beginning that I have less than a hundred years to live, and I had to grow up exactly the same as you in such a small amount of time. What takes you milenas, I have to make it done in a few decades.

She felt a little relieve to finaly tell him that he was wrong about her, that she wasn't nonaware of the complexity of life just because he'll live longer than her, it was the opposite. She remembered feeling so angry when he pushed her away as if she couldn't understand what he walked through, that she was too weak to ever feel that way.

\- Eventually, beeing aware of my short life is kind of a gift. It makes me much wiser and stronger than you. Knowing you have almost all eternity in front of you, it's like you don't have to care about your own life, as if it has no meaning, no deadlines. Me, you see, I'm dying. That's why I'm alive. I'm living my life with such a strength, and with a kind of recklessness. If my life is ending a few decades before its end, then what ? Is it that dramatic ? I'll die nonetheless.

She took another step, standing now right in front of him, and pushed her hand in his dark locks. Feeling with pleasure the silky touch of his hair, playing with some strand. He still didn't move or say anything, which ended to convince her that he wasn't really here. His sharp tongue was too skilled to stay silent. But it was almost as if she could smell him, she was pretty sure she remembered this smelt of mint, fresh snow and masculanity. She remembered when she had had the opportunity to smell it. It was when he shouted threats at her, answering her back with anger.

\- I don't really care if you bruise me, if you hurt me...if you kill me. 'Cause I have nothing to lose you see. I have nothing. Just my ending life. Nobody to care about it, nobody to stay by my side, mourning if I die. no attachment. So what, if you want to end it with your own hands ?

She closed the last gap between them, her feet standing almost between his. She raised her other hand to take his, and put it on her throat, making him in position for strangling her. His eyes widened, and she thought she felt him tremble against her. Not leaving his eyes, she whispered.

\- I have no fear in me, so you can't control me. And that's exactly why **you** are so afraid of **me**. Me, the silly insignificant little girl. And you, the almighty god.

She wasn't expecting a reaction, and she was slightly taken aback when she felt the hand on her throat going down her arm.

\- You're freezing. He said gravely.

\- No. I'm feeling.

She wasn't expecting him to speak either, and her eyes narrowed a little. She started to wonder if this was really a trick of her mind, or if there was the slightest possibility that it was real.

\- The cold never bothered me.

Just for a mere second, she was sure that she saw his eyes taking a glint of red. But it disappeared as soon as it came, frustrating her.

\- Show me. She ordered.

She didn't really know what she was asking him to show, but it felt natural to her.

He seemed taken aback and annoyed, and that was so much more like what she was used to see in his eyes. Just like before screaming at her, fighting back.

She saw him turn apon Thor. This one nodded, and took Jane to walk away, leaving them alone with no one around. Then, he focused on her again, and she saw his pale skin becoming blue just in front of her eyes, and his green pupils becoming dark red.

She never had seen him with that appearance, she couldn't imagine it. She finaly felt her heart pounding strongly inside her chest. She was now well aware that her mind just couldn't imagine something like that, that it was almost sure to be real.

Slowly, she traced the patterns on his face with a kind of deference, taking her time to feel la roughness of the clearer lines on his skin. Those on his forehead, those on his cheeks... Then, finaly, she ran a finger on the one looking like a tear's trace, falling from his eye down to his jaw.

It was so adapted to his personnality, so much pain and sadness. She stared at his eyes again, detailing his red ones. Even though he seemed a little embarrassed he didn't move, letting her do as she wished.

She put her other hand on his chest, and got on her tiptoes to make up the difference of size between them. Their noses were now almost touching.

\- The freedom you so much despise, we humans have it because we die. Even if it's selfish, I do as I want. Even though the consequence could be my death. I just want to feel.

She only exhaled the last word, forming a cloud of mist that went from her lips to his. Then, she tilted her face to the side, and filled the last gap separating them, putting her lips on his in a chaste kiss. Her hand was caressing his cheek, and she staid here for a moment, kissing him without doing much, just feeling his cold skin on hers. It was so incredibly peaceful, and, even if she thought it might be real, she didn't feel nervous or embarrassed. It was just what she wanted.

She retired slowly, coming back on the flat of her feet, her hand leaving his cheek. She staid here, she wasn't asking for anything, only detailing his face without fear, without anger, with some kind of adoration. Some kind of innocence.

Then, she suddenly felt a strong arm encercling her lower back, bringing her closer by force. She let out a small gasp, and she felt his marvellous lips on her own again. Almost crushing them. He was towering her, almost bending her back, keeping her close to him. His other hand grabing her hair possessivly. He intertwined their lips together, and kissed her with a fever she never thought he could have. Feeling how much he was alive, feeling the warmth even if he was damn cold.

She put her arms around his neck, and just enjoyed the moment she never thought she could have.

She was feeling.

**And it's the end :)**

**Please, give me some feedback, it's important to me. And maybe I could write more in english next time :)**

**Thank you for reading !**


End file.
